Wanita materialistik?

That's the topic discussed in "Chit-chat Pagi" segment on MuzikFm this morning.

The callers on the radio seemed to basically agree that most women are materialistic - to different extent.

1. There are those "pisau cukur" type who will only fall for/date/marry rich guys because they look at the money factor first and foremost. This is the kind that most male callers talked about - the kind that give women a bad name.
2. Then, there are those who expect the guys to have more than them because they don't want to end up being the one to be the bread winner in the family. They feel that if they married those who are beneath themselves, then they are not doing justice to the future children because they fail to choose a responsible father. If they married those who do not earn at least as much as they do if not more, then they are not giving themselves much self respect because they are willing to stoop low and who knows how much lower they have to stoop later on. This group seemed to form the majority of the female callers, parents included ("Saya tak nak lah anak saya kahwin dengan orang yang pangkat dan gaji rendah dari anak saya, nanti apa saya nak jawab kalau orang tanya saya tak sayang anak ke?") .
3. Then, there are a few who believe in 'jodoh and rezeki di tangan Allah'. Yes, it is important that the guy has to be responsible and proves that he is willing to work hard to provide for the family. But who is to say that when you marry someone who doesn't earn that much, it will remain that way for the rest of your life? Who is to say that when you marry someone who earn a lot it will remain that way for the rest of your life? And if that happened, will you leave him just because he doesn't earn as much as he used to?

When Rasulullah married Saidatina Khadijah - she was a millionaire and he was working for her. In other words - she made a lot more than he did, but that did not deter her from marrying him as she fell for his sincerity, honesty, loyalty and good manners. Their marriage remained intact until Saidatina Khadijah passed away. For the duration of their marriage Rasulullah never married another. He only practised polygamy after Saidatina Khadijah passed away (a fact that many Ustaz seems to forget to include in their text when talking about polygamy in Islam) And even when he married others, his wives - including Saidatina Aisyah - were jealous of his deep love for Saidatina Khadijah.

Ah, but then he was a prophet. Maksum. Special.

Personally, I believe in looking more at the guy's attitudes than how much money he has. The attitudes go a long way insya Allah, the money, wallahua'lam. And of course, asking for Allah's guidance through solat istikharah is very important before one agrees to marry anybody. Merely using our head and heart is not enough without Allah's guide, so I believe istikharah is a HUGE factor in determining the 'one'.

I've seen some friends and relatives marrying someone who earns/earned less than themselves but alhamdulillah their marriages remain intact until today. I've seen a lady executive who married her boss' driver. Another lady executive married a clerk in the same office. The wives might be the main bread winner in the family, but both the husbands and wives don't let that bother them much. They both learned to take the meaning of "tolerance", "acceptance" and "respect" to another level compared to other 'common' couples.

So, is it true that most women are (or need to be at least a little) materialistic ?

Notes for her (& self)

You asked me how did I cope, so here are some pointers which I hope you can benefit from. Some of these pointers, I've learned from reading, some by observing others and some as told by others. These are only my pointers - they might or might not work with you, but you asked me for these, so here they are...


* Remember that our husband is not the ultimate "tempat bergantung". The ultimate "tempat bergantung" is with Allah. So, in trying time, seek Allah's help, let it all out to Allah - He is always there for us. Husband and kids after all, are only "temporary loans" from Allah. He could take them back any time He wants to, hence we have to surrender it all to Allah.


* We may not be able to change our partner's unpleasant attitude, so what we can do is to make do'a that he will change for the better some day. Never underestimate the power of do'a for Allah is Most Listening.


*Although we can't change him, we can change our own perceptions and reactions. Like, when we can't make him share household chores, then, maybe we can remind ourselves that we are doing all these out of love and charity. Without the "nawaitu" of doing them as "sadaqah", it might seem burdensome, but if we look at them as an investment of sort for us later in the hereafter, maybe the chores will be less burdensome...


* Try to be more creative in meeting his and our own irks and quirks. If he keeps using the towel put on the bed meant for your own use after the shower, start putting two towels. If he keeps using your mug in the morning, buy two similar mugs. (But do kindly ask him to use his own toothbrush)


* Just do what needs to get done. Dishes and dirty clothes find a way to multiply if they are left unattended. Try not to spend more time putting off the job than it would actually take if you just do it. Instead of making the bad seem worse, and your relationship more strained in the process (because he did not do them when it was his turn to do so), not to mention wasting precious time - just do what needs to be done.

* Compliment him on his achievements when he gets stuff done in the house, especially those he did out of his own initiatives. Remember that guys prefer us to remember them as the knight in shining armor, so chances are if we keep polishing those armor, he might want to keep being in his 'shining armor' behaviour.

* In trying times, keep reminding ourselves of his positive traits. Well, he might sleep a little extra, or have time to stay awake for soccer at midnight but not for chores, or play games on our phones but forget to recharge them - but at other times, he cooks, or massages, or change the baby's diapers, or tidy up the house. Most of all, he stays loyal to us and love us for who we are.

* In trying times, before we "terlepas cakap", ask ourselves would we say such thing if he's not going to be with us tomorrow? Many wives realized their own weaknesses and became more forgiving of their husbands after they were left by the husbands. We should be forgiving when we are still with each other, and try to keep making the relationship better and healthier.

* When we give, don't expect any return. Let Allah do all the 'calculation'. It is not for us to say that we are doing a lot more when he is doing little or nothing. If we keep on "mengungkit", a lot of things might amount to nothing, yet when he does a little, but sincerely and with all his heart, it might counts more. Let Allah do all the 'calculation', we just keep on giving what we can. After all, it is always better to give than to receive, right?

Notes for him

"I feel abandoned. He makes time for his buddies, he has time to watch tv after work, he doesn't mind taking office stuff back home, but he doesn't really care about me. Or else he would've contributed more at home and really make time for me. They said that husbands and wives should be each other's garment, but I don't feel warm and protected by mine."

"Sometimes, I just feel like crap because I work hard too, I have sacrificed too, and I am fried too, and while I do things for him, it feels like he never thinks to do anything just because it needs to get done at home. He'll do it if I ask him to - or more likely, ask him two, three times, then snark or yell at him. Which ends up making me feel like a shrew. I don't want that identity. I did not sign up for that marriage."

"Everytime I ask for his help, he would procrastinate. Then in the end, I would be the one who do it because he would fall asleep. But he could stay awake at midnight - to watch soccer or play games. Why do I stay with him? To be his slave?"

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Dear H, A and O (respective husbands to A, E and I)

I admit that I've only been married for less than five years and thus may not be the best marriage 'counsellor'. But your wife let off her steam to me, and while I talked on a different note to her, I was actually quite mad at you too, for making my friend felt that way.

In the first place, you married each other because you wanted to fulfill a religious obligation. An obligation that states that you, the husband, must fulfill the nafkah of your wife, and subsequently, nafkah of the children.

In meeting the economical needs - nafkah zahir - it's quite difficult to depend on just one salary nowadays, so you give permission to your wife to work and earn extra income. But giving permission for her to work does not mean that you are giving her half the responsibility. She does it out of charity, out of love for her family.

In fulfilling the nafkah of your wife, you must remember not to just fulfill the physical needs, but also the emotional and spiritual needs - nafkah zahir. To go on in a life, you need food and shelter; to go on living together, surely you need a lot more.

Now, since your wife is a working mother, then you must be more considerate towards her. You feel tired from a day's work, she feels that too. You feel frustrated and weary from work, she feels that too. So stop making lame excuses in sharing the load of household chores. How can a man - who has naturally been built stronger and more energetic - sit quietly while the weaker wife works hard at home, after a hard day's work in the office?

Do what needs to be done, preferably without being asked. You wake up later than her, you make the bed. You see socks on the floor, you put them in the washing machine. You see the toys cluttered, you clean them up. You see unwashed plates, you wash them up. Why do you have to wait to be asked or told what to do? You know you don't like to be 'ordered', so don't give her any space to 'order' you around.

And time is of an essence. If she asked you to do the dishes after breakfast since you go to work later than her, don't wait until the evening to get it done. Your house is not a restaurant - you don't wait to get served by others. You serve yourself and you clean up after yourself, by yourself.

When she asks for your help around the house, she's asking for support, for understanding. When she pleads for a massage, a foot rub, she's seeking for intimacy. In short, she needs to know and reassured that she's loved, cherished and appreciated.

Don't blame her for not wanting to spend more intimate times with you when you yourself do not spend much un-intimate times with her. Don't blame her for feeling tired all the times when you refused to tire yourself with some of the chores. Women are emotional creatures, if we are drained emotionally, chances are, we would be drained physically too.

Husband and wife both share the responsibility to make marriage work. Learn from our beloved Rasulullah s.a.w.. He never shied away from household chores, he even mended his own clothes. When breakfast was not prepared due to lack of food, he said that he would fast. When he returned late one night, he slept in front of the house, not wanting to disturb the wife's sleep. He said that the best amongst Muslim is the one who is kind to his wife.

So, what else do you need to persuade you to be kind to yours?
Being kind is part of proving your love for her. After all, love is a verb.
Love - the feeling - is a fruit of the verb.

Making the first move

Dear C,

You asked me if it's wrong for a girl to make the first move, and if it's not, why then we have the peribahasa "perigi cari timba".

My answer - no, it's not wrong for a girl to make the first move. And the 'perigi cari timba' is a cultural thing, not Islamic, so I guess we are not strictly bound by that.

Having said that, it does not mean that one could sesuka hati make the first move. Saidatina Khadijah made the first move in proposing marriage to Rasulullah, but it was done discreetly, in a way that would not dishonor any party had the proposal been turned down.

The main point is - it must be done in a way that is discreet and honorable.
Meaning - the girl might want to try using a trusted middle person.
Preferably someone more mature, married and trustworthy.

And I'm talking about making the first move towards matrimony - not for "nak kawan-kawan" or "nak kenal-kenal" without any plan for marriage.

If it's just for "saja suka-suka", then you'd better go ask others in dating sites.

I guess many of us still believe that the burden of expressing an interest lies heavily on the guy's side rather than the girls. Yup, the good old-fashioned way. In fact many girls are afraid of being labeled "tak tahu malu" if they were to make the first move, like it's a huge turn off or something. This is where the importance of discreet execution comes in...

"Making a move is like submitting a tender", or so my former boss, Encik Dollah claimed.

"Before one submits a tender, the company would study 'the project' thouroughly - to know the cost, the expectation, preparing the budget and all.If 'the project' is beyond the company's capability, then it would not submit any tender at all.

However if the tenderee is actually interested in the tenderer, then the tenderee could invite the tenderer for direct negotiation, and they might be able to work things out after all."

Similarly, after studying a particular girl he might be interested in, a guy might not make the first move if he thinks that this girl is out of his league. However, should the girl make it known that she actually has interest in him, that the interest is mutual and that she is not actually out of his league, things might be different.

"If the girl is brave enough to make the first move, we don't think of her as being bold or agressive. I believe the guy would be grateful for her to ease some pressure off his shoulder. Who said that guys are not afraid of rejection? Sometimes guys are more affected by rejection compared to girls. Seriously"

So there C, my answer to your question.

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with a girl making the first move.

Only that it must be done in a way that would not cause any party to lose face.

After all, shyness is part of faith.

It's right to be shy, but it's also not wrong to take the first step.

If you have performed istikharah and the sign is positive, then you go girl!

If your nawaitu is right, insya Allah, Allah will guide you towards Him.

Have faith and be strong.